An update on my monkeys

Hi All!

I haven't blogged in a long time; there hasn't been a lot to say. Today I thought I would just share a bit of zen with you all.

The last few months have been very work focused, I have had a huge mark load and I really wanted to work through it before my cycle began so I could remain calm. That is my focus for this cycle: ZEN!

A few months ago I blogged about monkeys. Monkeys being your stresses, worries, concerns, chores and anything else that makes you feel like a headless chicken. So my mission was to become monkey free in time for the dreaded two week wait.

It has to be said that there are some monkeys that you can get rid of with some hard work and focus. I spent hours marking, making lists of things I needed to do and just doing them. Simple, but time consuming. The problem with these types of monkeys is they keep appearing, as fast as you get rid of one  another one appears. This led me to the realisation that zen is all in the mind. It is pointless worrying about how much you have to do. If you look at it all in one go it is daunting and depressing, so I am trying not to with a series of questions:
What needs to be done?
When does it need to be done?
How long will it take?
What are the consequences of not doing?
Am I putting me first or someone else?

In terms of work I am trying to remember that it is my JOB, not my LIFE. My students are very important to me but the world is not going to end if I take a few weeks to mark their essays. My colleagues are not going to shout at me if I reply to an email the next day (Bye bye emails to phone), and if they do SO WHAT?

Another thing is actively trying to relax. In the evenings I often do housework, then marking, then dinner, then more marking or emails etc then end up in bed without really thinking about it. For the last three weeks this has not happened. I have made time for me and I have relaxed. The lovely @IVFStory kindly sent me her Zita West CD and on many occasions I have taken myself to bed, put the CD on and listened to her calming words until I have fall asleep.

As for the MASSIVE monkeys (infertility, family and such like), well I'm doing something about those to. Monday night is counselling night. I have told my counsellor things I didn't even know I remembered and I have thought by life as a whole. It is a really tough process and often I am left driving home in floods of tears but I have decided this is good. Out with the old and in with the new.

So baby, there is room for you now!

p.s. I begin Gonal F tomorrow!

DISCOMBOBULATED

The lack of AF has left me confused, disconcerted, upset and frustrated- the dictionary definition of discombobulated.

Here are some of the things that are flying through my mind (I am aware some are much more ridiculous than others:

• I am not pregnant so the lack of AF is cruel
• Maybe I am pregnant and the test was wrong...wishful thinking
• I don't understand my body anymore
• Over christmas I experienced aching in my legs. Related?
• Life's a bitch. Not only am I about to begin my second cycle of IVF but I have to mentally endure the delay this is causing
• I have experienced AF cramps for many days (mild ones I always experience before hours before) 
• Yesterday the cramps were more intense and I was convinced she would be here by the end of the day
• Chemical pregnancy? (Probably the second most ridiculous thought)
• Is this punishment for drinking three times over Christmas (my first drink since January)

I have never made any secret of the fact that I am impatient. Impatience mixed with discombobulation is not a good combination.

Counselling and Me

About 6 weeks ago I was really struggling with IF, amongst other things, so I decided to seek help. I have never had counselling before but at this point I was ready to try anything to keep me calm and logical. Unfortunately there was a long waiting list for appointments after 5pm and so my first appointment was not until Tuesday (20th). This was an 'assessment' not a counselling session and my therapist's comments were interesting to say the least.

She fired question after question, some seemed random and some made me wince inside. Obviously the tears came and I melted in the chair, opposite a woman I had never met in my life. A first, and knowing infertility probably not a last!

One of the issues we discussed was my weight. She questioned me regarding food (LOTS OF), drugs (NEVER) and alcohol (RARELY). She then asked if I feel I have a problem with food. YES! Hi, my name is Emma and I am a comfort eater. I know this and it's quite clear to others who pay any attention to my ways. What was interesting was her response:

'Does your mother drink much?'
'Ummmm, yes she does.'
'Too much in your opinion?'
'In a lot of peoples' opinions.'

She continued by explaining that studies show lots of women whose Mothers drink end up eating too much. This is because we have learnt from our Mothers that when we feel low we need to give our bodies something, however we don't like seeing the effects of alcohol on our Mother's so we choose to go about it in a different way. Cadbury's caramel. Chinese takeaway. Belgium bun. Chocolate digestives with a cup of tea (two sugars please). Creamy fudge...

The other interesting thing she said, which I think I realised but never allowed myself to entertain, was having a baby is my way of finding peace and happiness. I'm not going to sadden you all, this side of Christmas, but as a result of things that have happened in my life with my Brother and my Father I have been highly motivated. I did not go off the rails or turn to drugs or any of the other crazy things some people do in situations like mine, I knuckled down. I wanted a university degree (I am the only person in my family with one), I wanted to earn my own money, I wanted a husband and I wanted/want a baby. Check, check, check...still waiting. My way of coping was to devise a 'Get Happy' plan and make it happen. No wonder I'm not 'dealing' well with IF, it means so much to me.

'DEALING.' My therapist doesn't like this word. She says I am 'dealing' with it, just not as well as I expect myself to. She said I have very high expectations of myself which I need to let go. I had explained to her that I felt like I had coped better, to some extent, with much more difficult things in my life than this and  this infuriates me. She normalised this for me, we can all feel like this at times, like when we have a bad day and then one tiny thing happens and we burst into floods of tears or anger over takes us and we become the Tazmanian Devil. It's just one thing on top of another. Monkeys! (see earlier post)

Am I please I went to counselling? Yes. Has it left me thinking? Yes. Am I going to crack my eating habit now I have a better understanding of it? Leave me until after Christmas for goodness sake, it's Christmas and I still don't have a baby you know!

Learning to put ME first

As you know I am a secondary school teacher and this is not the easiest job in the world. The responsibility is like a constant weight on my shoulders- A HUGE AMOUNT OF MONKEYS (see previous post)

This week I have been feeling unwell, the usual cold/flu symptoms of the season, despite feeling like I had been run over by a bus I went to work on Monday and Tuesday morning because I was so worried about my year 11s losing valuable teaching time just months before their final exams. You see, when teachers are absent we have to set work for the class to do with a supply teacher. The teacher never actually 'teaches', just supervises the class, thinking of tasks the students can complete without assistance is the first hurdle. The second hurdle is knowing the chances of the class completing the work set are about 80/20. There is always an 80% chance that they will be so badly behaved for the supply teacher and so disengaged that no work will be completed.

You can see the process my brain goes through when considering picking up the phone to say I will not be going to work.

After a 3 hour long Parents' Evening last night, the 5th in 5 weeks and with 7 left go, I decided that unless I woke up feeling considerably better this morning I was not going to work. I give, give and give every bit of energy I have to my profession. I spend hours in the evenings marking essays and planning good lessons and today I chose ME. I emailed my lessons and I sat on the sofa with a cup of Lemsip and a hot water bottle.

So why have I written about this?

In January I will begin another cycle of IVF and I will need days off for EC, ET and a few other days for my sanity. I need to learn to switch off, to put my family first and today was my first step. REALISATION.

Girls We Need to Have Fun

I have deleted my last post, I have never deleted a post before but I hated it and it really did make poor reading, however for those of you that didn't read it or don't remember it, it was about having no fun and feeling sorry for myself.

So... I took some of my own advice and I did something about it. Infertility is not something we can do something about, apart from keep trying, but there are lots of things that make us miserable, stressed or worried that we can do something about. Here is my plan:

3rd December Visit Hyde Park Christmas Wonderland
9th December Hubby's Christmas Party (I am going to drink for the first time in a long time)
16th December My work Christmas Party
CHRISTMAS FUN (Santa is spoiling me and I am spoiling Hubby :-) )
29th December Staying in a posh hotel for a romantic break
30th December Wake up in posh hotel and celebrate Hubby's 28th birthday
31st December Head to Liverpool for a fun night with our friends
1st January Wake up in Liverpool and enjoy a full English breakfast, possibly nursing a hangover- Great way to start the new year

So you can see, I am going to make the most of December before starting IVF 2 in January. Maybe I shouldn't be spending the money and maybe I shouldn't be drinking several times in one month BUT for once in my life I am going to try not to worry. I need to have fun, I need to feel free and I need to enjoy my last christmas as a mummy in waiting instead of a real life mummy.

BABYDUST TO ALL XXX

MONKEYS

I have been finding it very tough to deal with my emotions, my workload, my friends problems, my housework etc etc. I have a house and diary covered in post-it notes and I am on beta blockers as a result of it.

So...whilst moaning to a friend about my stresses she told me something her Dad told her. I have been trying it out and thinking about it for a week so I have decided to share it:

Everyone carries around a sack full of monkeys on their backs. All day and at all times. The monkeys are all of their stresses (from work loads, to emotional problems, to things they just need to remember like buying milk on the way home). When you come into contact with any human being you are also up against their monkeys, the amount of monkeys they are carrying and how well they are behaving effects their mood and therefore how well (or not so well) your interaction with them is going to go. 

The majority of the time (particularly at work but friends and family are also likely suspects) the person you are speaking to is trying to hand you one of their monkeys because they want to lighten the load on their backs. 

If you want to look after one of their monkeys for them do so, they will be very grateful BUT if you don't DO NOT TAKE THE MONKEY! This may be a task, or a worry or any host of things. It can be something small or  huge task- either way it is fine to say NO. 

What I now need to do is work out how to get rid of some of my monkeys before they pull me to the ground and I can't get back up.

The visit and my body's refusal to cope

Last night we visited the new baby. It was not as painful as I had anticipated. Obviously I loved her the second I held her and I did not want to let her go, which I didn't, apart from letting Hubby have a quick hold. I thought I dealt with it really well...




Today I went to work feeling low but ok, or so I thought. About 20 minutes into my first lesson (I'm a teacher) I felt the urge to go to the toilet *polite* and I held out for as long as I could before having to leg it down three flights of stairs. 40 minutes later the same thing happened. When break time came I broke down. You see, this is one of the physical effects of upset on my body, I knew that my body was refusing to cope. I had to ask a friend to run to the chemist and buy some Imodium while I cried and another teacher taught my lesson for me. An hour later I continued my day.

Please body, don't let me down. Please heart, stop racing. Please mind, stay strong. If you all work together I will be ok.